Let’s Not Agree to Disagree
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
I once worked with an executive team that used this phrase frequently. They’d walk away from conflict without a real resolution, or perhaps with a lukewarm commitment to a weak compromise. Worse, each functional leader would eventually implement a version of their own idea anyway.
Not only did this undermine team cohesion, breeding distrust and even more conflict among leadership team members, but it also hurt the company. Employees were confused, hearing one directive at a high level and something slightly different from their functional leaders. This led to a win-lose culture and a hodgepodge of plans that were not complementary, making the organization’s overall goals difficult to achieve.
Yes, conflict can feel uncomfortable. Yes, it often feels easier to avoid or suppress it. But doing so is rarely the answer—in fact, it inevitably cascades into a host of additional problems that become increasingly difficult to avoid. Engaging in healthy conflict, on the other hand, moves your leadership team toward real solutions and builds trust and collaboration that benefits the entire organization.
Leaders often resort to “let’s agree to disagree” with good intentions: In the midst of conflict, they’re concerned about damaging relationships, so they opt to walk away instead. The problem is, the conflict isn’t solved; it’s still simmering under the surface, and resentment can start to build. In fact, this is a misuse of the phrase. Next time your team is at an impasse, try these six steps to help you engage instead of avoid, and move forward with a stronger vision and plan.
Step 1: Step back and take a break
A heated moment need not be the end of a discussion; it can simply be a signal to put it on pause. It’s entirely reasonable to take a break in a conversation and say, “You know, I’m getting really fired up, and I need to take a moment,” or, “I’m not expressing myself effectively right now, so can we come back to this?”
Even when a decision needs to be made quickly, it’s worth stepping away for even five minutes. Go for a walk or to refill your water bottle; a change of scenery can help broaden our perspective. Or, find a private spot to practice muscle relaxation exercises. We hold onto a lot of tension without realizing it, and it shows up in the way we speak and interact.
When we are stuck in the middle of an uncomfortable conflict, it’s easier to retreat back to what we’re comfortable with (our solution) rather than being open to other options. Just the simple act of stepping back can help us reframe the situation and see new possibilities.
Step 2: Develop a shared vision for the outcome
When everyone is ready to come back to the conversation, don’t start by reiterating each of your solutions. Instead, start with the end in mind.
I often guide executive teams into a conversation about the outcomes they’re seeking—beyond revenue numbers and new product launches. Talk about the reaction you imagine from customers. Talk about the ideal impact on the company’s reputation, customers, and prospects. Talk about what the experience will be like for the team. Talk about what you’ll do when you achieve your desired outcome: How will you celebrate?
It can feel silly to go through this exercise, but here’s why it works: It centers the team on its commonalities, the shared outcome everyone wants. More importantly, when we immerse ourselves in the whole experience of succeeding together, it feels good, and we want more of that feeling—ultimately inspiring everyone to find new ways to collaborate.
Step 3: Reiterate each others’ solutions
Only once we are aligned on a shared outcome is it time to revisit each of the ideas for how to reach it.
But rather than jumping back into everyone reiterating their proposed solutions, I recommend each person present another’s idea to the group. This serves dual purposes: First, when I reflect your solution back to you, you get insights into aspects I may have missed or misunderstood. Now you can fill in the blanks to help everyone understand the idea more fully.
Second, talking through another person’s idea in detail helps us find value in the plan and the person. One executive team I worked with had a leader who felt conflicted about the DEIB plan the company was pursuing. As he reflected the plan back to me during a coaching conversation, he recognized its merits, ultimately talking himself into supporting the approach and even recommending ways to enhance it.
Step 4: Establish what’s truly important
Once team members understand and appreciate each others’ viewpoints (hopefully finding new value in them), it’s time to start working toward a shared solution.
Start by dissecting your approach and understanding which components are truly important to you. More often than not, our proposed solutions involve elements we’d be willing to concede, as long as one or two core tenets remain. Perhaps you want to utilize a specific resource or involve an employee with certain expertise. Perhaps you simply want to be part of the decision-making process.
When we each distill our multifaceted solutions into the pieces that matter most, we have the building blocks to begin envisioning a shared concept.
Step 5: Create the third path together
Teams I work with hear me say, “There are many paths to right.” We may feel like our solution is the only one, but, in reality, a number of approaches can lead us to achieve a shared goal. The best solution often emerges when we discover the best new path together.
I call this “the third path,” and it’s distinct from compromise. Compromise involves comparing existing solutions and looking for overlap, usually resulting in concessions made for the sake of the team. A third path, on the other hand, involves letting go of all assumptions and collaborating on a new solution.
Step 6: If it’s taken offline, remember to circle back
When conflict emerges in a group setting like a team meeting or Slack channel, we may go offline to address it. Continuing the conversation 1:1 or with a smaller group can be both helpful and productive, but it’s important to circle back to the team to share the path to resolution. When we forget to close the loop, it can lead to confusion across the team, so don’t forget to bring everyone back on the same page.
Of course, this whole process only works if we can all let go of the need to be “right,” a surprisingly difficult endeavor. Performance at the executive level is no longer about you, your wins, or your functional area. It’s about working effectively with colleagues on the leadership team, so we get the most from our people and enable the overall organization to succeed.
Let’s not agree to disagree. Let’s neither turn away from conflict, nor dig in our heels and cling tight to our own ideas. Enable your executive team to engage in healthy, collaborative conflict, and everyone will be better for it.
If you need support guiding your team through conflict, our team can help. Learn more at malidaadvisors.com.